Gender Wars

Friendship is covering for each other...

On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over.

And two claimed that he was still there!

.

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words: "woman without her man is nothing"on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Perfect Shot...

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind speed and direction. It was driving his partner nuts!!
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!!!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, Man," the partner responded. "You'll never hit her from here."

An Argument...

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

White men are dumb!

When white men discovered this country, Indians were running it.

No Taxes. No Debt. Women did most of the work.

Indian men hunted and fished all the time.

White men were dumb enough to think they could improve a system like that!

One Sunday Morning in Church .....

A few minutes before the service started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, the Devil appeared at the front of the Church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So, Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"

Married Men Only Need Apply

When the new factory opened up in town, the Human Resources Department posted a sign: Married Men Only Need Apply.

A local women's group, outraged at the policy, confronted the HR Manager. "Why do you only hire married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, what?"
"No, Ma'am, not at all," the manager responded. "It's because we want employees who are used to obeying orders, accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when a manager yells at them."

Counseling

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

So Much for Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.

Inheritance

Since he would inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
When will men EVER learn?

From 0 to 200

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him, "You know I need a new ride... Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Laundry

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

Happiness

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."