中国內地趣味段子 (Funny Doggerel in China)

1. 長壽指引 The Guideline for Longevity

不抽煙不喝酒，活到 63 歲，林彪同志；
He neither smoked nor boozed, lived to 63 years old, Comrade Lin Biao;

只喝酒不抽煙，活到 73 歲，恩來同志；
He just boozed but didn’t smoke, lived to 73 years old, Comrade Chou Enlai;

只抽煙不喝酒，活到 83 歲，毛主席同志；
He just smoked but didn’t booze, lived to 83 years old, Comrade Chairman Mao Zedong;

既抽煙又喝酒，活到 93 歲，小平同志；
He smoked and boozed, lived to 93 years old, Comrade Deng Xiaoping;

吃喝嫖賭樣樣來，活到 103 歲，學良將軍；
He excelled at smoking, boozing, womanizing and gambling, lived to 103 years old, Young Marshal Zhang Xueliang;

啥壞習慣沒有，每天盡做好人好事，活到 23 歲，雷鋒同志！
He had not a single bad habit and tried to do good deeds every day, lived to 23 years old. Comrade Lei Feng!
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2. 人生最高境界 The Highest Stage of Life

拿沙特工资，住英国房子，用瑞典手机，

To draw Saudi wages, To dwell in British mansion, To use Sweden mobile phone,

戴瑞士手表，娶韩国女人，包日本二奶，

To wear Swiss watch, To marry Korean wife, To keep Japanese mistress,

做泰国按摩，开德国轿车，坐美国飞机，

To enjoy Thai massage, To drive German car, To fly on American airline,

喝法国红酒，吃澳洲海鲜，抽古巴雪茄，

To drink French red wine, To eat Australian seafood, To smoke Cuban cigars,

穿意大利皮鞋，玩西班牙女郎，看奥地利歌剧，

To wear Italian shoes, To flirt with Spanish women, To watch Austrian opera,

买俄罗斯别墅，雇菲律宾女佣，配以色列保镖，

To buy Russian villa, To hire Filipino maids, To employ Israeli security guards,

洗土耳其桑拿，当中国干部.

To bath in Turkish sauna, To become a Chinese cadre,

做到最后一点，前面皆可实现!!!
One only needs to achieve the last position to realize all the aforesaid dreams!
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3. 一句 Words

有一句說一百句的是文學家，這叫文采；
He who speaks 100 words for one word is a Writer. This is called “Literary Grace”.

有一句說十句的是教授，這叫學問；
He who speaks 10 words for one word is a Professor. This is called “Learning”.

有一句說一句的是律師，這叫謹慎；
He who speaks one word for one word is a Lawyer. This is called “Prudence".

說一句留一句的是外交家，這叫嚴謹；
He who speaks one word and keeps another word is a Diplomat. This is called “Rigour”.

有十句說一句的是政治家，這叫心計；
He who speaks one word for 10 words is a Politician. This is called “Scheming”.

有一百句只說一句是出家人，這叫玄機；
He who speaks one word for 100 words is a Monk. This is called “Mystery”.

有千言萬語卻一句也不說但總發短信的，這叫友誼！
He who doesn’t speak a word even with thousands of words in his mind but prefers to send sms, this is called “Friendship”!

(Courtesy of a forwarded mail from Kerwin Lim, translated by the Blogger.)