Timely Stock Market Humor

James Douglas Muir "Jay" Leno (born April 28 1950) is an Emmy Award-winning American stand-up comedian and television host, who succeeded Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show in 1992. Leno will continue to host The Tonight Show until May 29, 2009; Late Night host Conan O'Brien is his scheduled successor.

Below are some of his humorous quotes on Stock Market:

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It is called the “Stock Market”.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called“Wal Mart Street”.

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker: the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar.

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures.

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21.

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

AND SOME NEW STOCK MARTKET TERMS:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.