Gender Wars

Friendship is covering for each other...

On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over.

And two claimed that he was still there!

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Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words: "woman without her man is nothing"on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Perfect Shot...

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind speed and direction. It was driving his partner nuts!!
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!!!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, Man," the partner responded. "You'll never hit her from here."

An Argument...

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

White men are dumb!

When white men discovered this country, Indians were running it.

No Taxes. No Debt. Women did most of the work.

Indian men hunted and fished all the time.

White men were dumb enough to think they could improve a system like that!

One Sunday Morning in Church .....

A few minutes before the service started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, the Devil appeared at the front of the Church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So, Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"

Married Men Only Need Apply

When the new factory opened up in town, the Human Resources Department posted a sign: Married Men Only Need Apply.

A local women's group, outraged at the policy, confronted the HR Manager. "Why do you only hire married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, what?"
"No, Ma'am, not at all," the manager responded. "It's because we want employees who are used to obeying orders, accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when a manager yells at them."

Counseling

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

So Much for Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.

Inheritance

Since he would inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
When will men EVER learn?

From 0 to 200

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him, "You know I need a new ride... Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Laundry

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

Happiness

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

Interesting Words & Facts

1) Longest English Word:
"Praetertranssubstantiationalistically" has 37 letters.

2) Book Without Letter "e":
GADFY, written by Earnest Wright in 1939, is a 50,000+ word book which doesn't contain a single word with 'e' in it.

3) Words without Vowel:
Rhythm
Sky
Fry
Cry

4) Human Brain:
Organ of body which has no sensation when cut.

5) Crocodile:
Only animal & reptile which sheds tear while eating.

6) ALPHABETS which sound as WORDS:
They are:
** **B* Bee*
** **C* Sea*
** **G* Zee*
** **I* Eye*
** **Q* Queue*
** **R* Are*
** **S* Yes*
** **T* Tea*
** **U* You*
** **Y* Why*

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Fascinating Animals, Birds, Trees:

1) SNAILS have 14175 teeth laid along 135 rows on their tongue.
2) A BUTTERFLY has 12,000 eyes.
3) DOLPHINS sleep with 1 eye open.
4) A BLUE WHALE can eat as much as 3 tones of food everyday, but at the same time can live without food for 6 months.
5) The EARTH has over 12,00,000 species of animals, 3,00,000 species of plants & 1,00,000 other species.
6) The fierce DINOSAUR was TYRANNOSAURS which has sixty long & sharp
teeth, used to attack & eat other dinosaurs.
7) DEMETRIO was a mammal like REPTILE with a snail on its back. This acted as a radiator to cool the body of the animal.
8) CASSOWARY is one of the dangerous BIRD, that can kill a man or animal by tearing off with its dagger like claw.
9) The SWAN has over 25,000 feathers in its body.
10) OSTRICH eats pebbles to help digestion by grinding up the ingested food.
11) POLAR BEAR can look clumsy & slow but during chase on ice, can reach 25 miles / hr of speed.
12) KIWIS are the only birds, which hunt by sense of smell.
13) ELEPHANT teeth can weigh as much as 9 pounds.
14) OWL is the only bird, which can rotate its head to 270 degrees.

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WHAT ARE THEY?

1) If we say 'MUMMY', they come together & go apart when we say DADDY':

LIPS
2) What goes up & never comes down?
AGE
3) Patches over patches but no stitches?
CABBAGE
4) What is that we cannot see, but is always before you?

FUTURE
5) What goes up & down a hill, but never moves?

ROAD
6) You can never wet it:
SHADOW
7) What belongs to You, but used by your friends more often you do?

YOUR NAME

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In 24 Hours, Average Human:

1) HEART beats 1,03,689 times
2) LUNGS respire 23,045 times
3) BLOOD flows 16,80,000 miles
4) NAILS grow 0.00007 inches
5) HAIR grows 0.01715 inches
6) Take 2.9 pounds of WATER (including all liquids)
7) Take of 3.25 pounds of FOOD
8) Breathe 438 cubic feet of AIR
9) Produce 1.43 pints of SWEAT
10) Speak 4,800 WORDS
11) During SLEEP move 25.4 times

Life in Color Red

Hurricane Katrina Over Mississippi

These pictures below were taken by a man in Magee , MS . where the eye of the storm passed through.

(Courtesy of XciteFun.net)

Inspiring Thoughts

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

The darkest moment of the night is just before dawn.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

All people smile in the same language.

A hug is a great gift... one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.

Everyone needs to be loved...especially when they do not deserve it.

The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity.
Love...and you shall be loved.

Everyone has beauty but not everyone sees it.

It's important for parents to live the same things they teach. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.

Marriage is like a game of compromise. When either one of the players stops compromising, the game is about to end. The choice you make today will usually affect tomorrow.

Take time to laugh, for it is the music of the soul.

If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it. Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.

Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together.

The best thing parents can do for their children is to love each other.

Harsh words break no bones, but they do break hearts.

To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.

We take for granted the things that we should be giving thanks for.
Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished.

Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others.

For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back. Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are.